Murder of UVA lacrosse student intimate partner violence, not “quarrel gone bad”

The following is an op-ed written by Ellen Allen, the Director of the YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program in Charleston, W.Va. If you are a victim of intimate partner or dating violence, please call the local 24-hour domestic violence crisis line for Kanawha, Clay and Boone counties 1-800-681-8663 or the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

He came from generations of wealth, educated at an exclusive boys school. He was all-everything: an all-American lacrosse player and the starting quarterback at his high school. She was the daughter of an investor, educated at a private girls prep school. She was a math nerd who volunteered at a soup kitchen and counseled kids from housing projects at a summer camp. They both ended up at the University of Virginia, playing on champion lacrosse teams in a league that gave its players the respect and deference typically reserved for final four basketball teams.

Yet during the early morning hours of Monday, May 3, the privilege of class and wealth no longer served as Yeardley Love’s protector. George Huguely V kicked down her bedroom door and, according to his account, grabbed her and shook her head, slamming it repeatedly into the wall. He then seized her computer, where it is believed she read his threatening and angry e-mails. Police found her dead, face down on her pillow in a pool of her own blood.

This wasn’t his first episode of violence against a woman. In November 2008, he received a suspended sentence after a drunken scuffle with a Virginia patrolwoman. Officer R.L. Moff recounted his use of racial and sexual slurs and other vulgar terms. He also threatened to kill her or anyone attempting to take him to jail.

What I find most troubling about media reports of this incident are the diluted tones of the headlines. The Washington Post referred to it as the “Virginia lacrosse tragedy.” A local paper’s headline read: “Students’ quarrel turned violent, then deadly.” Some media outlets reported the story as a sports feature, and individuals like myself who don’t give the sports page a second glance would have easily missed it. It was not widely reported as a case of dating violence and stalking – a violent attack against a woman, where the perpetrator was asserting power and control over his victim.

We know domestic violence, stalking, intimate partner violence, and violence against women is not relegated to the projects and neighborhoods replete with subsidized housing. It crosses all socio-economic strata. One may wonder, however, if this type of incident had occurred at a state university in an impoverished region of the country between an African American football player and a white softball player, would it have ended up on the sports page, the front page? Or no page at all?

What the reports often fail to mention is this: According to Justice Department figures, three women are murdered every day in the U.S. by their intimate partners. Eighty-five percent of intimate partner violence is perpetrated against women (overwhelmingly against women ages 20 - 24). Four out of five stalking victims are women, and 50% of the victims are between the ages of 18 and 27.

While the details of this incident make it the story seem atypical – a varsity lacrosse player at a prestigious school allegedly killed by her lacrosse player ex-boyfriend – statistically, it fits the fateful pattern. Violent and controlling behavior often begins early on in teen dating relationships, where one in three teens report having a friend who has been hit, kicked, slapped, or punched by a dating partner. However 81% of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue – an equally shocking statistic.

This incident was not a “deadly quarrel.” It was not an “altercation.” This verbiage only minimizes the life of the victim and the violence she endured. It was a case of stalking by a jilted partner that could not accept that she no longer wanted to see him. It was much more than an anger issue – it was about power and control.

Let’s call it what it is and hold it up for others to see in full light. Intimate partner violence and stalking are not “quarrels gone bad.” They are violent acts of often learned behavior perpetrated to assert power and control over one’s partner. The use of such insubstantial language in crucial life-or-death matters such as this denies the victim the justice she or he deserves. When will we, as a society, demand complete and appropriate attention to this gravely prevalent issue? I say we start today.