Murder of UVA lacrosse student intimate partner violence, not “quarrel gone bad”

The following is an op-ed written by Ellen Allen, the Director of the YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program in Charleston, W.Va. If you are a victim of intimate partner or dating violence, please call the local 24-hour domestic violence crisis line for Kanawha, Clay and Boone counties 1-800-681-8663 or the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

He came from generations of wealth, educated at an exclusive boys school. He was all-everything: an all-American lacrosse player and the starting quarterback at his high school. She was the daughter of an investor, educated at a private girls prep school. She was a math nerd who volunteered at a soup kitchen and counseled kids from housing projects at a summer camp. They both ended up at the University of Virginia, playing on champion lacrosse teams in a league that gave its players the respect and deference typically reserved for final four basketball teams.

Yet during the early morning hours of Monday, May 3, the privilege of class and wealth no longer served as Yeardley Love’s protector. George Huguely V kicked down her bedroom door and, according to his account, grabbed her and shook her head, slamming it repeatedly into the wall. He then seized her computer, where it is believed she read his threatening and angry e-mails. Police found her dead, face down on her pillow in a pool of her own blood.

This wasn’t his first episode of violence against a woman. In November 2008, he received a suspended sentence after a drunken scuffle with a Virginia patrolwoman. Officer R.L. Moff recounted his use of racial and sexual slurs and other vulgar terms. He also threatened to kill her or anyone attempting to take him to jail.

What I find most troubling about media reports of this incident are the diluted tones of the headlines. The Washington Post referred to it as the “Virginia lacrosse tragedy.” A local paper’s headline read: “Students’ quarrel turned violent, then deadly.” Some media outlets reported the story as a sports feature, and individuals like myself who don’t give the sports page a second glance would have easily missed it. It was not widely reported as a case of dating violence and stalking – a violent attack against a woman, where the perpetrator was asserting power and control over his victim.

We know domestic violence, stalking, intimate partner violence, and violence against women is not relegated to the projects and neighborhoods replete with subsidized housing. It crosses all socio-economic strata. One may wonder, however, if this type of incident had occurred at a state university in an impoverished region of the country between an African American football player and a white softball player, would it have ended up on the sports page, the front page? Or no page at all?

What the reports often fail to mention is this: According to Justice Department figures, three women are murdered every day in the U.S. by their intimate partners. Eighty-five percent of intimate partner violence is perpetrated against women (overwhelmingly against women ages 20 - 24). Four out of five stalking victims are women, and 50% of the victims are between the ages of 18 and 27.

While the details of this incident make it the story seem atypical – a varsity lacrosse player at a prestigious school allegedly killed by her lacrosse player ex-boyfriend – statistically, it fits the fateful pattern. Violent and controlling behavior often begins early on in teen dating relationships, where one in three teens report having a friend who has been hit, kicked, slapped, or punched by a dating partner. However 81% of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue – an equally shocking statistic.

This incident was not a “deadly quarrel.” It was not an “altercation.” This verbiage only minimizes the life of the victim and the violence she endured. It was a case of stalking by a jilted partner that could not accept that she no longer wanted to see him. It was much more than an anger issue – it was about power and control.

Let’s call it what it is and hold it up for others to see in full light. Intimate partner violence and stalking are not “quarrels gone bad.” They are violent acts of often learned behavior perpetrated to assert power and control over one’s partner. The use of such insubstantial language in crucial life-or-death matters such as this denies the victim the justice she or he deserves. When will we, as a society, demand complete and appropriate attention to this gravely prevalent issue? I say we start today.

Taking a Stand

The following is a guest blog post written by Robin Holstein, President of Robin's Desktop, LLC and the coordinator of a local Stand Against Racism event in Rand, WV last Friday.

When I was the young bride of a soldier in the U.S. Army, stationed at Fort Hood, Texas, I felt the stares and noticed the whispers when I went out with other soldiers’ wives. They were African-American. I am not.

Some years ago after running into a local police officer I knew, an ex-husband cursed me and “ordered” me to never hug a black man again. Recently, family members have argued and struggled with their own insecurities because a biracial child was going to be born into our family. Many still struggle, two years later.

At my age, I have seen many acts of intimidation. I’ve been shouted at, cursed, and punched. I’ve had people go behind my back and spread untrue stories. I’ve had people disclose very painful, personal events in an attempt to embarrass and upset me. Nothing has made me stop and shake my head as what I saw the morning of April 25, 2010.

Eggs, splattered against the front fender of my truck overnight. Eggs that were thrown in a childish, passive-aggressive attempt at intimidation. The act intended to send some message of disapproval, done in the cover of darkness, by someone who dared not speak to me in person.

The sun was not quite up when I left, so by the time I noticed the goo on my truck, I had already driven 25 miles. I did not need Jack Bauer to tell me, I knew what prompted the vandal. I was hosting a Stand Against Racism event. The only question was what would do more good? Do I draw attention to it or do I let it go as if nothing happened?

Less than twenty-four hours before someone lobbed eggs at my truck, I placed physical posters up in my community. Nothing happened when I posted the event on popular social networking Internet sites. Nothing happened following the article published in a local weekly paper. It was not until there was an actual, physical poster up that someone decided to “say” something to me.

After discussing the incident with the Racial Justice Coordinator at the YWCA and Deputy Attorney General Civil Rights Division, I decided to contact my local Sheriff. A Deputy was dispatched to my home. We discussed the situation, my support and sponsorship of the Stand, and the reality of trying to find the culprit.

The Deputy explained that, since there was no damage to my truck, there was nothing on which to file a formal complaint. I really could not prove the act was related to my upcoming event. His visit to my home was on record. If there were any incidents the night of my Stand, the vandalism would be included in the investigation.

Everyone handles these things differently. When people try to stop me from doing something I believe is necessary, I generally become more determined. I do not back down easily, or often.

I became involved with the Stand because of my grandniece. She is a beautiful and bright child. She has no preconceived ideas about race or sex. Before she was born people making racial comments or slurs upset me. I would tell them that I did not appreciate the comments. Now, it is different. The comments and slurs are no longer against “people” they are against family.

The Stand Against Racism event I hosted was held as planned. There were no incidents. No more eggs have been wasted on my vehicles.

I explained to the attendees at my event that we have come a long way in race relations over the many decades. Yet, there is still so much more to do. While this was just eggs, it seems someone out there felt as though they could attempt to intimidate me because I took a public stand.