Cultural values: Do they define me?

The following post was written by YWCA Racial Justice Program Coordinator Nell Fleming. As we celebrate Black History Month, Nell's insights lend to the larger cultural and racial dialogue the YWCA of Charleston wishes to promote this and every month as part of our mission to eliminate racism and empower women.

One of the reasons my parents cited in their argument against my marriage to a black man, was that we were from two different cultural backgrounds (which they pointed out would make marriage harder). They gave me statistical evidence that persons who marry someone who lives within a mile of where the other person grew up have an astronomically higher rate of staying together. I must admit, my husband and I did grow up 380 miles apart – he in an urban all black setting, and I in a rural mostly white setting. We do have very different cultural backgrounds in that respect. However, when I traveled to Japan in 1990 and experienced the shock of some of my friends’ parents upon seeing a photo of me and my fiancé, I calmly explained that we were both American and that we had the same culture and values. This was something of a revelation in such a homogeneous country where people view culture and language to be synonymous with ancestry and ethnicity. They accepted it to the extent that I was allowed to continue having tea and be in their homes; how they really felt will forever be a mystery.

Although my husband and I do have distinctly different communication styles and have had our share of challenges in the past 22 years, the bigger challenge for me has always been with other people who who look more like me – white women, who were my teachers and colleagues over the years. I have been picked on endlessly for not smiling enough, looking too serious, being too serious and even accused of being stuck up. My facial expressions were such a thorn in my side, I took to reading books on communication styles and looking in the mirror to practice appropriate faces so that I could be viewed as a friendlier person. I took a Dale Carnegie course and won an award for “most improved.” However, no matter how much I’ve learned, grown, adapted and practiced, my natural state of being is to show the true emotions on my face. If I am concentrating or tired, I look severe and, to my dismay, almost angry.

Imagine my surprise when another parent who was from Eastern Europe befriended, saying: “You are one of the few Americans who don’t smile all the time. You show what you are really feeling.” She went on to say: “In my country, when Americans visit, they are always smiling and people say ‘Why do those Americans smile all the time those fake smiles? I wish they would show how what they are really feeling.’” It is no surprise that my mother’s family roots are Eastern European and that the women in my family are the dominant sex with regards to communication. It is nice to know that my way of being is not a flaw in me but a cultural difference that I can explain if given the opportunity.

What is unfortunate is that when we talk about cultural differences in groups, we assume that to be different, one has to have a different skin color. In the same manner, we assume that if persons have a different skin color, they must be culturally different. It is a root of the angst many Asian Americans feel when people ask them “Where are you from originally?” or “What other languages do you speak?”

Perhaps for Black History Month, we should challenge ourselves to think about what we as peoples of many races and colors have in common. Remember that being “white” or “black” isn’t a thing that can be defined by one set of rules or cultural attributes, but is unique to each region, each time in history, and each individual. Part of learning about other cultures is also learning about yourself. If you understand who you are and where you came from, it will be easier to understand others and what impact the past and present has on who they are.

In closing, what would you like people to know about you and your cultural values? Is there anything about your culture that you wish you knew more about?

Photo: Nell Fleming pictured with her daughter, Ronnell.