Breaking the cycle of domestic violence

"When dad gets mad he turns into a monster. He is usually nice, but once he turns mad he says mad for a long time. He hits my mom and laughs. He probably thinks girls can't fight very well. Mommy says boys shouldn't hit girls." Chris, age 4

"This is a picture of my dad punching my mom in the nose. The red puddle is blood from my mom. The blue puddle is spit, because my dad is screaming so loud right in my mom's face. It makes me sad when they fight. I don't try to stop him anymore, because I get cussed when I try to make him quit fighting with my mom. I've seen so mnay situations like this I can't remember all of them."

These images were painted by children who received counseling at the YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program. You may find the images disturbing, as we do, because they show the violence that the children have witnessed throughout their lives. This service the YWCA provides becomes ever more important when you think about Nalisha Gravely and how her 2-year-old son may have witnessed similar acts of violence on his mother.

The YWCA is working to break the cycle of violence through counseling offered to the children who witness this violence. By educating the children on the proper way to express your emotions and how to cope with stress, the YWCA is teaching the next generation that it isn't acceptable to use your hands for anything other than help. "Hands are for helping, not for hitting," is a phrase we often repeat.

The cycle of domestic violence is broken when we're able to reach the next generation and educate them about how to have a healthy relationship. The YWCA is reaching out to another generation through "Celebrate Respect" -- a teen rally to promote healthy relationships. The event is scheduled for Thursday from 5-7 p.m. at the Martin Luther King Jr. Community Center on Donnally Street. So please join us and help to eliminate violence in our community through prevention and education.

Note: The YWCA's Nalisha Gravely fund has raised nearly $10,000.

Teen/tween dating violence - what every parent needs to know

CBS hosted a recent segment on The Early Show about “Teen Dating Danger – What every parent should know.” During this segment, they highlighted many shocking statistics from a recent study commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. and loveisrespect.org, the organization that operates the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. The results of the survey found:

• 69% of all teens who had sex by age 14 said they have gone through one or more types of abuse in a relationship.


• 40% of the youngest tweens (those between the ages of 11 and 12) report that their friends are victims of verbal abuse in relationships, and nearly one-in-ten (9%) say their friends have had sex.
  
• One-in-five between the ages of 13 and 14 say their friends are victims of dating violence, such as getting struck, hit or slapped by a boyfriend or girlfriend, and nearly half of all tweens in relationships say they know friends who are verbally abused.


• Only half of all tweens (51%) claim to know the warning signs of a bad/hurtful relationship.

The Early Show featured several different experts on the subject of teen dating violence, who emphasized that “programs are needed to help parents and their kids recognize unhealthy relationships, and to stop them before they start.”

And the YWCA is working to do just that.

Each year, YWCA Resolve’s Teen Dating Violence Prevention Specialists provide over 100 educational workshops to more than 3,000 students and teachers at middle and high schools in Kanawha, Clay and Boone Counties. During these workshops, students learn about healthy relationships, warning signs of abusive relationships, what to do if a friend is experiencing abuse, myths and facts about teen dating violence, and additional resources for students, teachers and parents alike.

And we’re not stopping just because schools are out for the summer! On Thursday, July 31, from 5-7pm, the YWCA Resolve Teen Dating Violence Prevention Program is hosting “Celebrate Respect” – A teen rally to promote healthy relationships. We’re inviting teens 12-18 to join us at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Community Center, located at 314 Donnally Street in downtown Charleston, for free food, door prizes, music, workshops, expression through art, and more! Click here for more information or to download the event flyer.

It actually is rocket science

We're happy to have Sarah Stebbins, a former YWCA Women of Achievement honoree, as our second guest blogger. Sarah was a pioneer for women in non-traditional fields of employment when she entered the field of aeronautics. She now resides with her husband, Charles, in Charleston and enjoys spending time with her family.

Fifty years ago, college-educated women whom I knew were generally teachers or nurses. My mother, who had put her Latin/English teaching career “on hold” to have a family, suggested that Pharmacy might be a good profession for a woman and that I should consider it. My problem was that a Pharmacy major required additional “dreaded” high school math courses over those in the regular College Preparatory program. I took those courses and, much to my surprise, I loved them… and decided to major in Math instead of going into Pharmacy!

At WVU in 1957, I did not really consider myself a pioneer, even though I was the only woman in most of my math classes. I do remember one other female Math major in my class year. I feel lucky that no one at WVU or in the workplace ever made me feel out of place as a woman. (However, skipping ahead, early in my career the Colorado Springs paper ran a feature article about me—as a woman in a man’s field.)

Now, my dilemma upon graduation was in knowing what a Mathematician would do for a living. I was marrying an Air Force officer who would be reassigned and moved every few years. Teaching Math would be a flexible option, but we arrived in Pasadena CA too late in the school year for me to be hired. Fortunately for me, the computer and space ages were emerging in isolated locations and a limited number of people were trained to program them. I was lucky to be in one of those places and to be hired by the Jet Propulsion Lab (JPL) that had one of the very first large mainframe computers. Exciting projects at JPL included sending unmanned Ranger spacecraft to the Moon and Mariner spacecraft to Mars. There I gained the computer skills that served me throughout my 40-year career.

Partly because there were so few scientific computer programmers, both times that I “retired” to have a baby and become a stay-at-home Mom, I was asked to return to work part-time for a new project. Other career breaks occurred due to the 27 years of military reassignments. Because working part-time was important to me while my kids were young, in Washington DC I had to wait a year and a half for a position to become open. But, it was well worth the wait… the position was at the Naval Research Lab (NRL) and the Navy’s flexibility made it possible for me to spend 25 years there.

The NRL work was perhaps the most interesting of all in that my Branch Head had helped design the Global Positioning System (GPS). Very precise clocks and timing form the heart of the GPS and placing atomic clocks on board the satellites was my boss’ idea. NRL built and flew several test satellites with increasingly more precise atomic clocks. Among my other assignments, I wrote the mainframe computer software that tested those orbiting clocks… and later tested the clocks on the actual system satellites. It was extremely interesting work back when we thought the system was strictly for military use, but it is overwhelming to see how important GPS has become today in all facets of the civilian world, too.

In spite of the hurdles, I managed to have an interesting and rewarding career in what was, at first, a non-traditional field for a woman. And, today, it is difficult to find a field that excludes women!

Buy a book, help the homeless

Tomorrow (Saturday, July 19), Books-A-Million on Corridor G is designating one cash register as the YWCA Sojourner's Shelter register. What does this mean? It means that for every purchase made on this register, 20% of tomorrow's total sales will be donated to help homeless women and families become self-sufficient through YWCA Sojourner's.

So whether you're looking for that bestseller you keep hearing about, a pop-up book for the kids, the latest summer cookbook, or even your favorite magazine, stop by Books-A-Million tomorrow between 9am and 11pm and make your purchases at the YWCA Sojourner's register...and encourage your family and friends to do likewise!

With the help of generous contributors like you and community-conscious companies like Books-A-Million, YWCA Sojourner's will continue to serve more than 1,200 individuals each year through shelter and comprehensive services. Our goal? To eliminate homelessness - not just manage it - by empowering individuals to become self-sufficient.

Focus on early childhood education

This is our first post by a guest author. Lisa Travis is the YWCA Marketing Committee Chair, mother of 4-year-old Mia and 1-year-old Max, and works full-time as the Marketing Director of Spilman Thomas & Battle, PLLC.

As the mother of a 4-year-old, the issue of early childhood education is near and dear to my heart. And my heart beats especially fast to know that West Virginia is ahead of the curve on preschool education and the availability to all children – not just those that can afford it.

Six years ago, West Virginia state lawmakers set a benchmark that every 4-year-old would have access to pre-kindergarten by 2012. Even though these children will not be required to attend, the abundance of opportunities has been and will be made available. Just this past year, Kanawha school officials say 1,200 children were enrolled in a pre-kindergarten program and they expect that number to be around 1,500 this year.

I am hesitant about overzealous parents trying to “one up” each other and force our children into activities they either don’t want to do or aren’t ready for. But, preschool is not one of those “activities.” There is a growing amount of research that shows the importance of early brain development. According to a study by the High/Scope Educational Research Foundation, every $1 spent on quality early care saves $7 to society as the children grow into adults. Children with quality early care are more likely to get more education, stay out of jail when they get older and have a greater commitment to marriage, the study indicated.

Early care and education programs, and particularly comprehensive, holistic early care and education programs, are shown to benefit communities on not only a social/educational level, but also as an economic development tool.

According to The Economic Impact of Early Child Development Programs in West Virginia: Executive Summary, prepared for the Claude Worthington Benedum Foundation, the evidence is in and it is overwhelming. The authors state, “Early childhood development (ECD) programs are a major tool to be used in the economic development for a state or region. The payoff for investing in ECD is probably higher than for any other economic development expenditure.” That’s an impressive statement. Getting our children ready for society benefits them, our community and our state.

As a working parent, I understand how hard it is to find the time to get my child ready for even the basics. Expectations in kindergarten can be tough. Preschool and quality day care can help soften that blow. Not to mention the social attributes. Just being ready for a school setting can work wonders.

The holistic approach – caring for our children with educational tools AND nutritional attributes – is one that I am pleased to see in many of the day care centers and preschools throughout the state. When looking at a child care center, I look for children that are happy, healthy and energized. I look for that in the teachers as well. I know the YWCA strives for that holistic balance at the Child Enrichment Center as well as numerous facilities throughout our community.

The most impressive thing I have encountered was my sister-in-law’s response when she learned about West Virginia’s new preschool law. As a teacher in Austin, Texas she assumed West Virginia would be at the bottom of every list – especially educational. Her proactive email to me spoke wonders. “Yeah for West Virginia! Your children really do come first.”

Yes, they do.

Education, accountability keys to stop domestic violence

The following is an excerpt from a commentary GeorgeAnn Grubb, YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program Director, wrote that appeared in the Sunday Gazette-Mail.

Hearing about the tragic death of 19-year-old Na'lisha Fiona Gravely last weekend evoked a heartbreaking, gut-wrenching response that I know was shared by thousands in our community and across the state. Domestic violence advocates and community members alike experienced a wave of emotions from grief to anger as they read the horrendous description of the four years of violence this young woman withstood at the hands of her "first love."

As the director of the YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program, one of 14 licensed domestic violence service providers in West Virginia, I know I ask the immediate question on all our hearts: "Could this outcome have been avoided?"

Although this tragedy is very near to our hearts because it took place right here in our own back yard, it is easy to overlook the big picture. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief on Intimate Partner Violence, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country on average every day. In our state alone, a domestic violence-related death occurs an average of once every eight days.

To read the entire commentary on the Gazette's website, click here.

YWCA supports vigil, fund for Gravely

While the YWCA of Charleston works tirelessly each day to eliminate domestic violence through leadership, education, advocacy and community collaboration, we also support domestic violence victims and their families in every way we can. Some we reach through shelter and emergency services like our 24-hour crisis line. Others we help through legal advocacy. Still more we reach through educational programs like our Teen Dating Violence Prevention program, where middle and high school students learn about healthy dating relationships that are rooted in equality, trust, honesty and mutual respect, instead of power and control.

In the case of Nalisha Gravely, we are helping her family by supporting a candlelight vigil and fund in her honor. The candlelight vigil will be held Friday, July 11 at 7:00 pm on Magic Island and will include special guest speakers, musical and dance tributes, poem readings and other special tributes to honor this young woman and inspire hope in the family and the community. Learn more about this event here.

Also, at the request of Charleston Mayor Danny Jones, the YWCA established a special fund in Gravely’s honor. This fund will help Gravely’s family members pay for her funeral and burial. More than $4,000 is still needed to cover the total expenses. Donations received above this amount will provide support for Gravely’s 2-year-old child. All donations are tax deductible and can be mailed or dropped off at the YWCA at 1114 Quarrier Street, Charleston, WV 25301.

We are truly inspired by the way we see our community pull together in these times of tragedy, and we wish to support this grieving family in any way that we can.

Domestic violence rears its ugly head, again

Tragedy has struck the Charleston community once again. Nalisha Fiona Gravely, 20, died Saturday afternoon in a West Side Taco Bell after a man with whom she shared a child allegedly gunned her down.

A young life has ended because of senseless violence. And the Charleston community has a lot of questions with no easy answers.

Why did she stay?
How did a man who allegedly stabbed, shot and beat this woman in multiple incidents beat the court system to be freed each time?
Why is domestic violence accepted in some households and in our legal system?
How does our community work together to end the cycle of domestic violence in our community?

We don’t have easy answers. We don’t have simple answers. But we have information and statistics we can share with you.

“She” can be any woman who struggles with the internal demons of how to survive on her own and ensure the safety of her child(ren.) She stays because he has threatened to kill her, her children or other family members if she attempts to leave. She stays because he has verbally abused her for so many years that she doesn’t believe in herself and her ability to care for herself or her family. She stays because she has no financial resources to use for escape. On average, it takes a woman who is suffering from domestic violence five to seven attempts before she will leave her abuser for good. This doesn’t mean the four to six previous attempts are failures. It means that on the final time she had enough strength and support from facilities like the YWCA’s domestic violence shelter, Hope House, and was successful in her attempt.

The question is why was this abuser able to roam free? Well, that’s a question to ask professionals, elected officials and community leaders in our court system. The YWCA of Charleston works with 13 other agencies through the West Virginia Domestic Violence Coalition to educate those professionals and elected officials to the very real danger of domestic violence and the appropriate measures to take. One such measure is to be court-ordered to attend the YWCA’s Batterers Intervention and Prevention Program. This 32-week program helps the abuser learn to cope with his own emotions and how to deal with his stresses in a healthy manner and holds him accountable for his violent actions.

The greater Charleston community can respond to this horrific event in two ways: 1) continue to bury your head in the sand and pretend domestic violence doesn’t exist or 2) volunteer for, join and support agencies like the YWCA of Charleston, which works 365 days a year to end domestic violence.

The YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program offers 24/7 crisis intervention and shelter for victims of domestic violence in a Kanawha, Clay and Boone counties. The program’s mission is to eliminate domestic violence through leadership, education, empowerment and community collaboration. You can volunteer for this or any of the YWCA programs. You can also financially support the YWCA and its programs. One simple way to show your support for this YWCA program and to take a stance against domestic violence? Enjoy an fun evening out with your friends at Girls Night Out, which benefits the YWCA Resolve Family Abuse Program.

This isn’t a problem that will go away overnight. Our community must continue to address this ugly social injustice that crosses all socio-economic lines by continuing to ask for stronger laws for abusers; providing more resources for domestic violence victims; and refusing to accept this behavior in our society.

Celebrating Independence

Tomorrow we celebrate the 4th of July: our nation’s day to celebrate independence. As I reflect on this holiday each year, I think about the freedoms that we have in America...freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom to assemble. Just read our Constitution’s Bill of Rights and you can clearly see the principles of liberty and inalienable human rights upon which our nation was based. By declaring our independence, our nation to broke free from excessive laws and taxes passed down by a government that would not grant them representation.

Independence does not always have to be reflected on such a grand scale, however. Many individuals celebrate independence on a much more personal level – such as a young child experiencing her first sleepover party or a teenager receiving his own set of car keys. Here at the YWCA of Charleston, we celebrate independence every day as we help our clients experience true independence for the first time. Sometimes it means helping a young woman and her child move from transitional housing into their very own apartment. Other times it means helping a woman break free from her abuser and re-establish a life free of violence. It can even mean providing quality childcare to a single mother, giving her the assurance that her children are in a safe and positive environment while she works during the day to support her family.

No matter how great or small, freedom is an attribute that we often take for granted. I am grateful that one hot summer day each year, we can look at the stars and stripes and be reminded of how truly precious independence is. So from every mountainside, let freedom ring!

Website gets a facelift

We are proud to launch our new website today.

Not only are we sporting a fresh look, but now our supporters can:

• register online for our events


• make an online donation


• learn about our programs and stores


• get the latest YWCA news


• discover volunteer opportunities


• easily access this blog.

We would like to thank Terradon Communications for their partial donation of our website.

Visit us today at http://www.ywcacharleston.org/ and let us know what you think about our new look.